I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
