I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
