I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
where am i from again
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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