Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When did angry sex become our thing?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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