TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
