Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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