the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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