Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Text me some of your sweat
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