he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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