The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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