She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
