if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
