I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
