what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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