I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
