He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
