it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
