I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
