He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
