The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
