she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
