by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
