grandma shit on top of the toilet
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
