And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All I want is dick and wine.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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