your thong is hanging out like whoa
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
