my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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