you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
