I faked an abortion last night.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
