I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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