I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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