My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
