I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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