I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
