I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
