Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
