On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
