I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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