I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
