Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
