Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
