I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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