party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
