My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
