last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
