bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
