fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
