You smell like stripper and shame
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
