last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
