My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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