Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
