I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
