the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
