I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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