i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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