the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
