Don't make out with my wife yet
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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