i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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